How to drive in Massachusetts

1. A right lane construction closure is just a game
to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right
as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to
squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2. Turn signals will give away your next move.
A real Massachusetts driver never uses them.
Use of them in Boston may be illegal.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you,
or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting
you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
"going with the flow."

5. The faster you drive through a red light,
the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
Massachusetts is a no-fault insurance state
and the other driver has nothing to lose.

7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible
to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice,
relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
For those of you without ABS it's a chance to  stretch your legs.

8. Construction signs warn you about road closures
immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.

9. The new electronic traffic warning system signs
are not there to provide useful information.
They are only there to make Massachusetts look high-tech
and to distract you from seeing the State Police Radar car
parked on the median.

10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures,
given only as suggestions and  are apparently not enforceable
during rush hour.

12. Just because you're in the left lane
and have no room to speed up or move over
doesn't mean that a Mass driver flashing his high beams
behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident
or even if someone is just changing a tire.

14. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives
Adopt-a-Highway Crews something to clean up.

15. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn
at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

16. Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose,
apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook
at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm
in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

17. Real Massachusetts male drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra
at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic
during  daylight hours.