If it really was a man's world

*Any fake phone number a girl gave you
would automatically forward your call to her real number.

*Nodding and looking at your watch
would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

*Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

*When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a time-out.

*Birth control would come in ale or lager.

*Each year, your raise would be pegged
to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

*The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

*Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night"
would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

*At the end of the workday,
a whistle would blow
& you'd jump out your window
& slide down the tail of a brontosaurus
and right into your car.
(Or onto your bike)

*It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends,
put on horned helmets, & go pillage a nearby town.

*Tanks would be far easier to rent.

*Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

*Instead of an expensive engagement ring,
you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said,
"You're #1!"

*Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th
so it would only occur in leap years.

*On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow,
you'd get the day off to go drinking.
Mother's Day, too.
St Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.

*Cops would be broadcast live,
and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops.
Or to the crooks.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football
would be Monday Night Football
from a Different Camera Angle.

*Every man would get 4 real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

*When a cop gave you a ticket,
every smart-aleck answer you responded with
would actually reduce your fine.
As in:
     Cop:  "You know how fast you were going?"
     You:  "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
     Cop:  "Nice one.  That's $10 off."

*Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," & "100 proof."

*People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

*Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style.

*Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

*Blowing off work to ride your motorcycle
because it's too nice out
would be perfectly acceptable, encouraged even.