Dilbertisms

I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines.
I especially like the
whooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need,
and I'll tell you how
to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon
and some days the statue.

Needing someone is like
needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time,
chances are you won't
be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem,
you have a perception problem.

On the keyboard of life,
always keep one finger
on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress.
I am a carrier.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down
to their level then beat you
with experience.

A pat on the back
is only a few centimeters from
a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable
if you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.

After any salary raise,
you will have less money
at the end of the month
than you did before.

The more crap you put up with,
the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want
if you look serious
and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing
in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you
for the rest of the day.

When bosses talk about improving productivity,
they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed,
try again.
Then quit.
No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans
rolling on the floor of your car
when the boss asks for
a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under
'miscellaneous'.

Never delay the ending of a meeting
or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human,
to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work
provided it isn't the work
he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors
will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good,
you will be assigned all the work.
If you are really good,
you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal
when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences
are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute,
nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person
is inversely proportional to
the number of pens
that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do,
walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules
will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse
for not following the rules.

The last person that quit or was fired
will be held responsible
for everything that goes wrong!